Hearts True Desire
by allison rae
Summary: Most people who were at the wedding between James Potter and Lily Evans thought it was a lovely union of two people perfect for each other, but three people there had different thoughts on the matter.
1. Letting You Go

A/n: I usually don't write marauder era stuff, or even song fics but I thought I should try out both and I quite like how they turned out. All three songs are by Jason Robert Brown who is ridiculously amazing. He writes musicals too and composed my favorite, **The Last Five Years**. Anyways I hope this isn't too bad! Please read, review and enjoy.

Disclaimer: JKR owns HP, and JAson Robert Brown owns the song I have used here, which is titled Letting You Go, from the Lauren Kennedy: Songs of Jason Robert Brown album.

_Sweeping up plaster_

_Mopping the floor_

_Washing the windows_

_Cleaning the closets _

_Closing the door_

The water ran down the the side of my face as I stood directly under the shower head. I couldn't quiet tell if the water was coming from the faucet, or from my eyes, although it was most likely a mixture of both. I let out a sigh as I ran the soap over the scratches on my body that were still evident from last night. A night that was more rough than usual the evidence in my sore muscles which let out groans of resistance as I bent down to wash my legs. It was understandable why last night was so rough because of the events taking place today.

I both couldn't believe what I had done the night before, and also knew that it was merely a matter of time until it had happened again. I saw a flash of last night, our bodies moving as one as the sweat dripped off of us and I started to scrub harder, wanting to rid my body of all the dirt and sweat that I felt was still there. No matter how much or how hard I scrubbed I felt that it wouldn't come off as I kept remembering what had happened.

_Filling the cracks Out in the hall _

_Scraping the paint Off of the wall _

_Changing the lock Turning the key _

_Letting you go away from me._

As I exited the bathroom a simple towel wrapped around my waist I looked into the mirror above the fireplace in front of me and saw the marks all over my glistening body. I glanced down at the mantle and saw the picture of my best mate and his girl sitting on the grass at Hogwarts and holding each other as they laughed together. I ran my hand lightly over her hair and then frustrated at myself threw the picture at the mirror as I let out a yell breaking the glass which shattered everywhere.

My breathing was still fast as I slowly picked up the picture catching a glimpse of myself in the cracked glass the tear stains evident on my cheeks. I set down the picture as I went to get my wand and fixed the broken glass. I looked myself in the eye and slowly wiped my tears away. I needed to compose myself for the day that was about to come. I took the picture out of the frame and ripped it in half, throwing one half into the fire and folding up the other half holding it in my hand.

_Knowing it's better _

_Here in my head_

_Doing the laundry_

_Washing the dishes _

_Making the bed_

I went into the kitchen and found the wine glass stained with her red lipstick as I waved my wand and it disappeared. Then I walked back into my bedroom and saw the room a mess. The sheets in disarray with my clothes strewn everywhere across the room. I walked up to the bed and put my hand on the pillow, which was now left with none of the warmth of the head that had laid there earlier. With a flick of my wand the bed remade itself and my clothes found there way into the hamper.

I stood up and walked over to the closet taking out my pensive from behind my clothes. It was filled with memories of her. Her laugh which could always bring a smile to my face. Her hair glistening in the sunlight as she gently brushed it off of her forehead. How beautiful her eyes were when she was angry, or how lovely they looked when they were glistening with tears. How her lips tasted of vanilla, and how she smelled like a spring rain. How she looked the best wearing my shirt and sleeping in my bed. And most of all the moment she told me she was getting married.

_I heard a knock on the door as I walked there to find her standing there a expression I had never seen on her face. _

"_Well hello there darling," I said with my typical grin on my face._

"_Let's skip the formalities," she said as she pushed through the doorway closing it behind her and jumping on me with full force, her lips working fast against mine. She had never come on as strong as she did in that moment but I wasn't complaining as our clothes quickly left us on our way to the bedroom._

_The next morning as I stood In the doorway looking down on her as she slept a smile on my face and two cups of coffee in my hand. I could watch her for days with that peaceful expression on her face but as she began to stir I felt my smile widen as I made my way over to the bed and sat down next to her._

"_Morning flower, would you like some brew," I said softly as I brushed her hair out of her face. Her eyes opened slowly and the hurt was evident in them which confused me since I did not know what I did wrong._

"_Did you have a nightmare?" I teased her as she sat up speedily._

"_No Sirius, not a dream, reality is what got to me," she said sadly as she slipped out of my shirt and put her clothes back on._

"_Well let's hear it then," I said as I watched her slip into her skirt, she let out a sigh before turning to me her eyes wet with tears._

"_He's asked me to marry him, and i've said yes," she said and I felt the cups slip from my hands and crash onto the floor._

"_Get out," I said quietly turning gazing at the floor as I heard her start to cry._

"_Sirius," she said to me pleadingly._

"_Get out!" I yelled as I heard her flee from the room._

They were memories I could share with no one. Memories that needed to stay locked away forever. Today these memories would be over, and so I took them out of the pensive and put them back into my head, because that was where they were safe, and that is there they would stay.

_Nothing to fight Nothing to choose _

_Maybe it's good Learning to lose _

_Maybe I'll shine Finally free _

_Letting you go away from me._

This was the hardest thing I had ever done, letting her go. I was Sirius Black, and I always got the girl. Maybe it was karma that after I had let so many girls go, the one I never want to is the one that I have to. There was nothing I could do about it though, because as much as I want to continue with her, I also knew that she was marrying a deserving man. I thought of him as I unfolded the picture in my hand and stared down at my best mate laughing back at me. Seeing that smile both brought me pain and happiness.

It had been a while sine I had been truly happy and maybe now I could be. I got up and got dressed in my tux, always feeling weird wearing them, and when I saw myself in it the thought that I could be happy left my mind immediately. The reason being the reason why I was wearing this tux, the wedding, between my best mate, and the woman I loved.

_If I were smart, If I were strong,_

_If I could just say I was wrong, _

_say it was me, say I could move _

_make you believe these things improve_

"_What is this!" I heard her yell as she found a red skimpy dress in my closet._

"_If I told you it was my cousins would you believe me?" I asked with a goofy grin as I pulled her towards me._

"_I'm serious here," she said her eyes ablaze which just turned me on even more._

"_Actually, I'm Sirius, but we can be one if you want us too," I said with a wink as she groaned in frustration and turned away from me._

"_I am so tired of that joke," she said with a sigh._

"_I know, it's not a good one, and I use it a lot I just can't help it baby," I said walking behind her and wrapping my arms around her._

"_Don't baby me, Sirius. You lost that right when you took this dress off the woman underneath it," she said as she took my arms off of her and turned around the tears glistening in her eyes. _

"_Well technically I didn't take it off, she did that one on her own," I said trying to get some kind of a smile out of her even if she looked gorgeous when she cried._

"_You know I really wish you could act more like your name, and put that joke away for good," she said as she walked out the door._

"_Damn," I swore under my breath._

Why did it have to end up like this? Maybe if I was as smart as James, and didn't try to play the game with this girl, but realizes she was the one to settle down with. Or maybe if I was strong enough to settle down with someone and start a family, when I have never had a real family of my own, and in these troubled times.

If I could go back and do it all again, I not only wouldn't have made those mistakes but I would have actually apologized to her, because even though Sirius black was never faithful, never apologized, and was never serious, she was worth it.

_Could I forget All of the cracks _

_Deep in the ground, Under our tracks?_

_And if I could, Then would you see _

_Or would you go away? _

_Would you go away..._

I left my flat and went to pick up my best mate who greeted me with a huge hug and a grin big enough to take up his whole face. I almost fell over with the force of the hug he gave me.

"Settle down there jolly," I said with a small laugh in my voice.

"Can't help it mate, I am marrying the most amazing woman in the world today," he said.

"That you are," I replied back to him.

It sucked that the moment I truly realized the truth of that statement was when my breath was knocked out of me as I saw her walking down the isle in that white dress. If you asked for the details of how she looked I wouldn't be able to tell you, because all I saw was her face and how she was the vision of beauty. I felt my heart jump into my throat.

In that moment I wondered if I ran towards her and told her I loved her and she was the only woman for me if she would believe me and run away with me. I wondered if during one of the many times she found her way to my doorstep if I would have said those three words would she have stayed. I wondered if there was anyway I could have gone about this and winded up with me in the position of the man next to me. Most of all I wondered if I would ever be able to hold her in my arms again, and taste the vanilla on her lips.

I breathed in strongly as she said those two words sealing her fate and I felt a sharp pain in my heart that signified it's breaking.

_Facing the facts Watching the clock _

_Maybe you'll change Just down the block _

_And if you did, Where would I be? _

_Letting you go away from me._

It was after the ceremony and reception, after my best man speech and the dancing that I found myself next to the small river next to the Potter mansion where wild flowers grew all along the banks. I stared at the small flock of lilies as I remembered her face shining brightly today, next to the man who I considered to be my most loyal friend. I picked a lily from the rest and ran my fingers along the petals before throwing it in the water. As I watched it flow away from me for the first time during this whole relationship I felt all the regret, all the hate, all the love, all the disdain, and all the jealousy fall away from me.

It all left me, and as it did as opposed to feeling my spirits rise, I felt empty, I felt that all that had been keeping me together was gone. I turned and walked away from those lilies, never to gaze upon them again.


	2. If I Told You Now

A/n: So I know I have been horribly neglecting all of my stories, school is taking it's toll on me, but I am getting a chapter out there, and working on the next one for A world without you, so just hang in there my faithful reader, if there are even any of you left !!

I still love the idea for this story, and so I am trying to get through it, but Lily was really hard for me, and I have a feeling James is going to be the hardest ^_^ but I will try to pick up the pace on everything. Also I only have one review on this story =[ so I don't have that much motivation. So help a sister out!!

Disclaimer: JKR owns HP, and Jason Robert Brown owns the song I have used here, which is titled If I Told You Now, from the Lauren Kennedy: Songs of Jason Robert Brown album.

_If I told you now _

_That I didn't have the answers, _

_That I didn't know the reasons, _

_That I didn't hold the key – _

_If I told you now _

_That I couldn't say for certain _

_That I wouldn't break my promise, _

_Could you bear to look at me?_

What in the world was I doing? Here I was engaged to the most eligible bachelor from our graduating class, who was completely and totally in love with me, and yet I was waking up next to his best mate and not you.

After every time I told myself it was the last and that I wouldn't ever do it again, but then night after night I showed up on his door step. It was bad enough when I was just dating you, and then when I we were engaged, but the night before my wedding might have been a step too far. What made me keep running to him, was it love or something completely different?

Who's to say that I wouldn't do this after my wedding? And if I did do it after I was married what then? If I really broke the promise to stay faithful, that I would swear in front of all our friends and family, and even him, what would happen then? Would it be just like every other time, or would it be different, and would I finally loose both of the men in my life.

Most importantly would I loose your love, which was the one thing I could count on always being there, unconditionally.

_If I told you now _

_That in spite of my persistence_

_And my confident demeanor _

_I am more and more in doubt;_

"Where did you go last night?" My best friend asked me as I walked into my flat expecting to find it empty but instead found my whole wedding party siting in my empty living room.

"Just had to clear my head," I lied, I always thought that going to him would make me feel better, but it always without fail made me feel worse, and confused me.

"Not getting cold feet now are we," My mother asked with a laughing face and the guilt hit me like a ton of bricks.

"Nope," I said as I left the room to go shower without another word.

I didn't want to talk to them right now, or see them, because I couldn't smile happily around them. I couldn't stand there and pretend like this was going to be the happiest day of my life.

As I walked away I started to doubt myself. Was I really going to go through with this? Could I really live the rest of my life married to a man while knowing that I loved another?

No one would understand what I had been going through, because no one could understand my love for him. I didn't even understand my love for him. It was something that I kept inside.

I told no one of my love for Sirius Black, because I told everyone of my love for James Potter, that one made sense

_If I told you now, _

_Would you smile with understanding? _

_Would you burn with disappointment? _

_Would you turn and turn me out?_

There were times when I thought you knew about the whole affair, but if you did would you really be marrying me? Not even the affair did I think you knew about, but before you and I started dating when Sirius and I first started to spend our nights together, didn't you know then?

He was your best mate, so I didn't know how you could possibly not know, you guys shared everything. But you loved me then, or so you said, so maybe Sirius didn't tell you because he knew you would be mad about it. And you would be mad about it, if not then the now. I mean your best mate shagging your fiance the night before your wedding? No one could just let that slide, and if you did who would you blame, him? Or me?

I both wish and don't that you would blame me, because really I am the one that always finds my way to Sirius's door step, although he does go along with it. But if you did blame me then you would hate me, and I couldn't handle that. I needed you there, because you held me together, and your love is the reason I go on living in this hateful, dangerous world.

Maybe you would just blame the both of us, which is what we deserve really, I mean not Sirius because he doesn't even really love me, but my feelings for him are inexcusable, especially when you are so perfect.

Could you be with me knowing that I also love your best mate? Or if you knew would you run away, and never look back.

_If I told you now, _

_I suspect you still might say _

_We've gone too far to change, _

_Or push away the tide. _

_Would you close us down, _

_Or would I get extra points because I tried?_

_If I tried._

Though maybe, you wouldn't blame either of us, and you would just say that you loved me and I made a mistake and that as long as I never did it again you would forgive me, because that is what a marriage, or almost marriage, is all about, forgiveness.

I wouldn't be able to handle that though, I would feel miserable, even more guilty than I already do, and I can't go through trouble in my relationships, that's why I chose you after all.

I took the easy way out, and I know that. Sirius hurt me more times than I could say. Every time I tried with him a piece of me broke, so I went to you where I didn't have to try and you sat there glueing me back together piece by piece. And even when the cracks resurfaced after I visited him you would find a way to fill them in, without me even knowing it.

Soon you became my foundation, you eased your way into my life and then became it. That's why I was with you, because you were easy, you held me together, and you loved me.

But that sounds horrible, because that is saying that i'm only with you because of what you do for me, when in reality you are so much more than what you do for me, and really I do love you for everything you are, whole heartedly, it's just that I love him too.

_If I told you now,_

_And I'm not about to tell you, _

_But in case I chose to mention _

_Things I know you won't allow, _

_Would it hurt less later_

_If I told you now?_

I was both sure I would run to him again, and extremely confused by the fact that I kept running to him. What did he hold that drew me to him time and time again.

I knew I was a hypocrite, but in my mind it was much harder to cheat than to be cheated on.

When I walked into Sirius's room that night and found that skimpy red dress, I felt my heart break. It got even worse when he tried to joke about it so I cursed Sirius, and even more I cursed the bitch who slept with him.

And then what do I do the second we become official, I go and shag Sirius. A couple of days after you propose, I go and shag Sirius. The night before out wedding, I go and shag Sirius. It didn't make any sense.

I left him because he couldn't commit, and then here I am not committing myself. I'm the worst, the girl I never thought I would be.

But I never meant to hurt you, really. As I said your my everything, and this strange pull I feel towards Sirius has nothing to do with you not being enough, because you are enough, you are more than enough. Sirius has everything to do with my insecurities, and my incurable desire to fill myself up with him, which is never quenched. I wish I could get rid of it and just concentrate on you, but before now, it has been impossible. However you are the one who fills me up, so maybe now it will be finished.

And I really, really hope that this was the last time, as I do every time, because even though I know what I'm doing now is horrible, when we are actually married, that would make it so much worse for me. So i'll stop, really.

_If I told you now _

_That we're never really safe _

_From all the fires we set _

_Or debts we had to pay, _

_Would you hold me now _

_So at least, for this, for here, _

_I know you'd stay? _

_If you'd stay… _

I know it will always be there though, my mistakes, and I wonder if I should just tell you before we get on with it, because if I do that then I won't ever lie to you again, and even though it will never truly go away, at least it will be out in the open, and not swept under the rug.

So would you stay with me? Would your love really conquer my mistakes, and make the holes, the rips, all the breaks, the cracks, and the destruction go away. Could it do that? Could you do that? I mean I know that they will never disappear completely, but you could at least cover them up with your warmth, and love.

Really you already are doing that though. But if you knew about it all would you still? And if you got angry and tried to leave could I bring myself to beg for you to stay, because with Sirius I never begged. But you are worth the effort, because you put in effort yourself. We work at our relationship, at least we both try to make the other person happy. Were the opposite of how Sirius and I are, which should be nothing.

_If I told you now, _

_It would be for your protection, _

'_Cause I'm sure I'll disappoint you, _

_Though I can't imagine how _

_Does it make me better _

_If I told you now? _

_Would you make me better _

_If I told you now_

All I needed was someone to tell me that they would always be with me, and to follow that through. When you asked me to marry you, it was that reassurance I needed.

You, were exactly what I needed.

I thought there were rules about dating ex's and to be honest there should be, but when I was crying over Sirius, you was always there to wipe my tears and make me smile. So now I'm marrying my ex's best mate, and you are marrying your best mate's ex, and we have never even talked about it.

I've implied, and you have implied about our past, when you used to find me crying, but we never really let it all out there, so should I tell you? Because what if I disappoint down the road and it happens again, and this time you find out, or this time the infection that is my love for Sirius spreads into our relationship and wrecks it too?

So should I tell you?

Here I am in my wedding dress pacing back and forth before the ceremony, and you are probably out there already waiting for me at the end of the aisle and really I'm too scared to tell you, so that's why I am waiting till this moment to really think it over, because will it all be a lie to you?

I need you to know that I truly do love you, and that while my feelings for him are there, they can't even compare to yours, because his are destructive, while you are my cure. Your my everything, and so maybe I just need to leave this behind, all of it. And who said that you need to air your misfortunes, because to me, I say the past is better left unsaid.

So now I'm walking out the door and up to you, and my eyes never even stray to the man at your side, because you are the man I love James Potter, and I do.


End file.
